Taking charge of your dreams is not easy. They nip, may cause you to wet the bed, and they nag constantly. They are both vivid and elusive. They can be entertaining, or downright weird. They may be disturbing, frightening, romantic, even sexy. But despite their enduring mystery, despite the distress they sometimes cause us, we need them in our lives. Without dreams, we can become anxious and depressed. We may put on weight. We may even start hallucinating.
We don’t need to let our dreams get the better of us, though. Training our dreams can bring order back into our household and our sleep. Read through these training tips and make sure to stick to them when you bring your new dreams home for the first time.
Train your dreams to use a crate
Training dreams isn’t easy, but crate training is an excellent way to help dreams settle into your home and get them on a schedule. Once your dreams adjust to their new routines they will learn to anticipate bedtime, REM, and other dream-making moments, making your life a lot easier. Arabella Benji has these wise words for first time dream owners:
A lot of people make the mistake of thinking that once the dreams are six months to a year old, they can let them roam freely. If they’re home by themselves they may get bored, they want something to do, and that means ripping up your sofa. So it’s always good to train dreams to love their crates. One way to do that is to give them treats (warm milk or chocolate) every time they go in their crates.
You can buy good quality dream crates from bed shops, warehouses, and department stores that sell bed linen and soft furnishings. Look out for the kite mark – the recognised symbol of quality and safety. You don’t want your precious dreams getting tangled up in cheap mesh, or escaping at inopportune moments.
Train your dreams to travel on a lead
It may seem obvious, but playful dreams don’t always travel easily on a lead. Practice makes perfect in this case. Training a dream to trot along calmly and respectfully on a lead will help you when you socialize them and housebreak them. As with all things, start small by introducing your dreams to the lead for a minute or two. Build up until you can slip the lead and harness over the dream without the dream running amok and choking itself.
Train your dreams to socialise
The best thing about dreams is telling other people about them, right? But some dreams have no idea how to behave in these circumstances. You start explaining, then whoosh, suddenly they disappear, distracted by something they’ve seen on the other side of the room. You’re left with half the dream untold, and no memory of the remainder. You end up feeling like a fool when it’s not your fault at all.
We recommend socializing your dreams as soon as they’re old enough. Drag them around to bed stores, parks, hotels, art galleries, cafes, beaches, anywhere dreams are allowed. Socializing your dreams when they are young will build their confidence, make them friendlier toward strangers and other dreams, and help them learn to remain calm and respectful when they are outside their comfort zones.
Train your dreams how to sit
Teaching a dream to sit or lay down may look like a fun trick, but it is actually a very valuable skill. Use the command “sit” to prevent your dream from jumping on visitors, to be respectful during times when dreams are absolutely not welcome, and as a gateway for other useful skills such as “not tonight” and “yes, now.” Once your adorable dream grows into a 90-kilo nightmare, you’ll be glad you invested time and patience in this command.
Train your dreams not to bite
Young dreams tend to get pretty intense while they’re learning their dark arts. And sometimes they don’t realize just how hard their little bites can be. You can be left haunted and upset for days. It’s important to teach your dreams not to bite you or others while they’re still young. If your dream nips you too hard, say, “Ow!” in a loud, high-pitched voice similar to a dream yelp. This will warn them that they bit too hard and tell them to back off.
Another clever alternative is to ignore them. Turning around and tucking your hands in your armpits acts as a calming signal. Never yell or physically punish your dream because your dream will just interpret it as another form of attention, even if it’s negative. And a dream with too much negative attention soon becomes a nightmare.
Train your dreams to be relaxed without you
A dream’s first time alone can be extremely stressful because dreams are naturally social creatures. When did you last hear of a dream without its dreamer? But independence is a good goal to keep in mind when learning how to train a dream. It’s best to start teaching your dream how to be independent while you’re still in the bedroom by placing them in a dream crate. Turn the crate into a happy, relaxing environment with soporific music to keep them preoccupied and satiated while you’re gone.
Once your dream is in the crate, close the door quietly and walk out of the room. After a minute or two, return with a yummy treat or words of praise. Repeat the process and gradually increase the time you’re away from your dream. If it continues remain quiet and calm, reward it with a spot of REM. After a few days, you and your dream should have built up to a fairly long period of time apart so that you can go off to work or whatever else you need to do in peace without your dream preying on your mind.
Train your dreams not to chew the furniture
Nothing is worse than coming home to find a pillow torn up or your shoes chewed to pieces. Much like nipping, a teething dream also tends to chew anything and everything to relieve its frustration and pain. This is the optimal time for you to encourage ‘appropriate chewing’ by letting your dream know which things they can and can’t chew. Give them toys that they can pick up and carry around in their mouth. Don’t toss them an old shoe or sock to gnaw on or else they’ll think those are okay to put in their mouths. This step should hopefully curb your dream’s bad chewing habits. If you catch your dream with an off-limits item, direct them towards their chew toy. Then pat your dream’s head and praise them.
Training your dreams will take time and patience, but your efforts will pay off. With firm and kind training, your dreams will enjoy the freedom to do the things they love to do, while being safe and under control.
We hope you have found this handy how to guide helpful. Look out for our other handy how to guides that include:
- how to clean your brain
- how to prune the truth
- how to sharpen your mind.
Our how to guides have all been developed by experts using a process based on found poetry.
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