The Saturday before Christmas, my osteoarthritic knee started what is commonly known as flaring. Having been relatively pain free and mobile for over a year, with just the odd niggle, I woke up, put my foot on the floor, and struggled to walk. In the days that followed, the pain and stiffness increased.
Sometimes, I could temporaily reduce the pain by cycling for an hour or more. I would get a marginal reduction in stiffness.
Sometimes I got a few minutes relief after doing some long intense hamstring stretches.
Sometimes I got some comfort by having a hot bath, or putting a bag of peas on my knee, or a swapping the peas for a hot water bottle.
The reduction in my mobility was dramatic. I struggled to get down the stairs to the street. I struggled to get to the local shop. Even a few steps along the Promenade below my flat was too much. However, by walking slowly, I could manage. And I was managing to cycle most days, sometimes for a couple of hours. Until today.
Today, it is an effort to get from my bedroom to the toilet, from the kitchen to the hall, from my study to the living room. I have retrieved my crutch (unused for years) but that isn’t helping. The problem isn’t the weight-bearing but the forward swing of my knee when I take a step. The pain is unbearable. I cannot move through it.
I have tried magnesium sulphate poultices.
I have strapped my knee with expensive kinesiology tape. A welcome distraction but no impact yet.
I am doing the majority of the stretches and exercises I was given two weeks ago by the physiotherapist. They hurt.
I have been tempted by, but resisted, anti-inflammatories. I can not take them as they damage my stomach and it takes months to recover.
Flaring can last weeks or months. Or it may be permanent. I, and my physiotherapist, don’t know how this is going to turn out. I don’t know how to cope with this sudden loss of mobility, with no certainty over a recovery pathway. Stack this on top of a covid world when most of us are trying to meet outside, going for a walk, sitting on the Prom wall for a cafe, doing anything rather than ‘come round to mine’ and I’m skunnered.
The last time my knee was this bad I had a cortisone injection. I am only permitted two (damages cartilage apparently) and that was my second one. It worked.
I don’t know how to describe the catastrophic impact on my mental health.
I don’t know how to write about it but I’m struggling to write about anything else.
I don’t want to talk about it but I haven’t got any other conversation.
I am boring myself and everyone else.
Lying in bed crying doesn’t help.
I don’t want to be this person I have suddenly become again. Tired, distressed, immobile. Lacking in confidence and momentum. Negative and overly sensitive. Jealous of all of those on social media showing off their new year hill walks, their park runs, their innocent posts about nipping to the shops or running into the sea.
I am.
Defeated.
SANDERLINGS 