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How to sharpen your mind

You misread the small print and lost a contract worth thousands. Your sourdough starter never starts and never ends. You didn’t get a single answer right at the family Christmas Zoom quiz. You swipe right instead of left. Or left instead of right. You can never get the bloody hang of it. Your boss or your father or your best friend has told you (not as kindly as they should have) that you need to sharpen up. But what do they mean? How do you sharpen your mind?

First, beware of false prophets. There are snake oil salesmen who’ll insist you need a daily regime of mental gymnastics. Or a course of ground cats’ teeth for a cool £75 a month. They’ll sell you a learn a language course for a language that no one has spoken for two thousand years. They’ll sign you up for a brutal mind bootcamp that will leave you in tears for a week. They’ll instruct you to stand on your head and recite Greek tragedies. In Greek. They’ll assure you that all you have to do is complete the daily cryptic crossword in a Murdoch owned newspaper. The crossword is behind a paywall behind a paywall behind a paywall. Don’t be fooled by these charlatans. They know nothing of the vagaries of the mind. Stick to our tried and tested method. A method you can do at home in the comfort of your own kitchen.

Sharpening your mind is often seen as a difficult task, but if you master the basic techniques and follow our instructions, it becomes a simple and rewarding activity. You’ll wonder why you had never got round to it before. Why did no one tell you you could be the sharpest kid on the block with just a few masterful strokes?

You have probably noticed that the more often you use your mind the quicker it becomes dull, so it is important to maintain your mind. Not only to get maximum life from it, but because a sharp mind is also safer to use and increases the efficacy of your thinking.

There are a number of different tools available with which to sharpen and maintain your mind: whetstones, sharpening diamond steels, honing steels, ceramic steels, pull-through sharpeners and sharpening wheels.

The whetstone is generally considered the most precise method of sharpening but it is also the most advanced method. Contact us directly if you’d like more information on a made to measure whetstone. Here we are going to concentrate on honing, diamond steels and using a pull-through sharpener.

For the purposes of this guide when we say ‘edge’ we refer to the edge of your mind. When we say ‘cognitive aspects’ we mean the upper flat surface of your mind. When we say ‘noncognitive aspects’ we mean the lower flat surface of your mind. You’ll recall that cognitive aspects include imagination, intelligence, judgement, memory and perception. Noncognitive aspects include emotion and instinct.

Honing and diamond steels

It is important to get into a regular pattern for sharpening your mind. We recommend a honing steel weekly for maintenance of the edge and a diamond steel monthly for sharpening both the cognitive and noncognitive aspects.

The important thing to remember is that you cannot resharpen an edge that has gone dull with a honing steel. Honing steels are used to maintain the sharpness of an already sharp edge, while if an edge has gone dull, you will need to use a diamond steel to bring back the sharpness.

Sharpen with a diamond steel

First remove your mind from its guard. Handle with care. Your mind looks robust but it can chip if you drop it on a hard floor. A chipped mind is almost impossible to repair. While your chipped mind will still function, you’ll notice that your perception, imagination and judgement may just be slightly off (depending where the chip is).

Now place a cloth over a chopping board. The cloth helps prevent the steel from slipping on the flat surface of the board and maintains a steady position. Hold the steel by the handle with the tip facing downwards, placing the tip on to the cloth. Holding your mind firmly, position the heel of the cognitive aspects at a 20° angle to the steel.

Draw the mind downwards in an arc, heel to tip, finishing with the tip of the mind at the tip of the steel.

Return to the top of the steel but now positioning the noncognitive aspects of the mind against the other side of the steel. Repeat the downwards arc motion on alternate sides of the steel several times to sharpen the mind.

When finished, carefully wipe the cognitive aspects and the non cognitive aspects down with a cloth to remove any unwanted residue (you may wish to keep a little glitter which can help with language, memory and instinct).

Maintaining with a honing steel

Repeat the same movement as above with the honing steel after sharpening to maintain the edge of the mind, holding the steel firmly and finding the correct 20° angle for the cognitive aspects before sweeping the blade down in an arc.

Pull-through sharpener

A pull-through sharpener has modules for both sharpening and maintaining the mind. It is easy to use as the angle for the cognitive and noncognitive aspects is set by the module, holding the mind safely in place.

Hold the sharpener firmly with your free hand. Place the heel of your mind in the tungsten or sharpening module. Draw your mind through from heel to tip – be careful not to use too much pressure or to push down on your mind; it should only require the weight of your hand to pull through.

Repeat the process a few times. Next, place the heel of the mind in the ceramic or honing module. Draw your mind through several times as above to finish then wipe the blade with a cloth.

Testing the blade

Test the sharpness of your mind on a vegetable such as a tomato (although tomatoes are infamous for blunting minds so don’t do this too often). The edge of your mind should grip immediately and not slip on the skin or dent the flesh. Your cognitive and noncognitive aspects should then glide through the flesh with the forward motion of the mind, not needing any pressure to cut through.

We hope you have found this handy how to guide helpful. Look out for our other handy how to guides that include:

  • how to clean your brain
  • how to prune the truth
  • how to train your dreams.

Our how to guides have all been developed by experts using a process based on found poetry.

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blog how to guide poetry

How to train your dreams

Taking charge of your dreams is not easy. They nip, may cause you to wet the bed, and they nag constantly. They are both vivid and elusive. They can be entertaining, or downright weird. They may be disturbing, frightening, romantic, even sexy. But despite their enduring mystery, despite the distress they sometimes cause us, we need them in our lives. Without dreams, we can become anxious and depressed. We may put on weight. We may even start hallucinating.

We don’t need to let our dreams get the better of us, though. Training our dreams can bring order back into our household and our sleep. Read through these training tips and make sure to stick to them when you bring your new dreams home for the first time.

Train your dreams to use a crate

Training dreams isn’t easy, but crate training is an excellent way to help dreams settle into your home and get them on a schedule. Once your dreams adjust to their new routines they will learn to anticipate bedtime, REM, and other dream-making moments, making your life a lot easier. Arabella Benji has these wise words for first time dream owners:

A lot of people make the mistake of thinking that once the dreams are six months to a year old, they can let them roam freely. If they’re home by themselves they may get bored, they want something to do, and that means ripping up your sofa. So it’s always good to train dreams to love their crates. One way to do that is to give them treats (warm milk or chocolate) every time they go in their crates.

You can buy good quality dream crates from bed shops, warehouses, and department stores that sell bed linen and soft furnishings. Look out for the kite mark – the recognised symbol of quality and safety. You don’t want your precious dreams getting tangled up in cheap mesh, or escaping at inopportune moments.

Train your dreams to travel on a lead

It may seem obvious, but playful dreams don’t always travel easily on a lead. Practice makes perfect in this case. Training a dream to trot along calmly and respectfully on a lead will help you when you socialize them and housebreak them. As with all things, start small by introducing your dreams to the lead for a minute or two. Build up until you can slip the lead and harness over the dream without the dream running amok and choking itself.

Train your dreams to socialise

The best thing about dreams is telling other people about them, right? But some dreams have no idea how to behave in these circumstances. You start explaining, then whoosh, suddenly they disappear, distracted by something they’ve seen on the other side of the room. You’re left with half the dream untold, and no memory of the remainder. You end up feeling like a fool when it’s not your fault at all.

We recommend socializing your dreams as soon as they’re old enough. Drag them around to bed stores, parks, hotels, art galleries, cafes, beaches, anywhere dreams are allowed. Socializing your dreams when they are young will build their confidence, make them friendlier toward strangers and other dreams, and help them learn to remain calm and respectful when they are outside their comfort zones.

Train your dreams how to sit

Teaching a dream to sit or lay down may look like a fun trick, but it is actually a very valuable skill. Use the command “sit” to prevent your dream from jumping on visitors, to be respectful during times when dreams are absolutely not welcome, and as a gateway for other useful skills such as “not tonight” and “yes, now.” Once your adorable dream grows into a 90-kilo nightmare, you’ll be glad you invested time and patience in this command.

Train your dreams not to bite

Young dreams tend to get pretty intense while they’re learning their dark arts. And sometimes they don’t realize just how hard their little bites can be. You can be left haunted and upset for days. It’s important to teach your dreams not to bite you or others while they’re still young. If your dream nips you too hard, say, “Ow!” in a loud, high-pitched voice similar to a dream yelp. This will warn them that they bit too hard and tell them to back off.

Another clever alternative is to ignore them. Turning around and tucking your hands in your armpits acts as a calming signal. Never yell or physically punish your dream because your dream will just interpret it as another form of attention, even if it’s negative. And a dream with too much negative attention soon becomes a nightmare.

Train your dreams to be relaxed without you

A dream’s first time alone can be extremely stressful because dreams are naturally social creatures. When did you last hear of a dream without its dreamer? But independence is a good goal to keep in mind when learning how to train a dream. It’s best to start teaching your dream how to be independent while you’re still in the bedroom by placing them in a dream crate. Turn the crate into a happy, relaxing environment with soporific music to keep them preoccupied and satiated while you’re gone.

Once your dream is in the crate, close the door quietly and walk out of the room. After a minute or two, return with a yummy treat or words of praise. Repeat the process and gradually increase the time you’re away from your dream. If it continues remain quiet and calm, reward it with a spot of REM. After a few days, you and your dream should have built up to a fairly long period of time apart so that you can go off to work or whatever else you need to do in peace without your dream preying on your mind.

Train your dreams not to chew the furniture

Nothing is worse than coming home to find a pillow torn up or your shoes chewed to pieces.  Much like nipping, a teething dream also tends to chew anything and everything to relieve its frustration and pain. This is the optimal time for you to encourage ‘appropriate chewing’ by letting your dream know which things they can and can’t chew. Give them toys that they can pick up and carry around in their mouth. Don’t toss them an old shoe or sock to gnaw on or else they’ll think those are okay to put in their mouths. This step should hopefully curb your dream’s bad chewing habits. If you catch your dream with an off-limits item, direct them towards their chew toy. Then pat your dream’s head and praise them.

Training your dreams will take time and patience, but your efforts will pay off. With firm and kind training, your dreams will enjoy the freedom to do the things they love to do, while being safe and under control.

We hope you have found this handy how to guide helpful. Look out for our other handy how to guides that include:

  • how to clean your brain
  • how to prune the truth
  • how to sharpen your mind.

Our how to guides have all been developed by experts using a process based on found poetry.

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How to clean your brain

Tired of being conned? Worried about gaslighting? Can’t tell the difference between facts and misinformation? Regularly cleaning your brain will help protect it from scammers, extend its life, and make your thinking free and independent. This technique will help you get the job done quickly and easily.

Preparation

First either move outside or find a place such as a garage or basement where it won’t be the end of the world if you drip on the floor. You’ll need the following items:

  • Old newspapers
  • Sterilised rags (old t-shirts work well for this)
  • Solvent of some sort, such as WD-40 or isopropyl alcohol
  • An old toothbrush
  • Quality brain lubricant
  • Mirror
  • Thick freshly laundered towel
  • A yoga mat
  • A scented candle (low temperature flame to reduce risk of explosion from solvent fumes)
  • A hazardous waste disposal bag

Locate where you’re going to work, and spread out newspapers on the floor. A spot where you can lean up against something to keep your hands free while you’re busy is ideal. The mirror should be placed at head height. Sit down on the newspapers. Shift your ears while turning your ankles so that your brain is on the largest ring in the front and on the smallest socket in the back.

Place a thick towel around your neck then remove your brain guard. Place the brain guard on a sterilised rag in a safe place away from pets and children.

In a comfortable position (facing the mirror) apply solvent (something like WD-40 or isopropyl alcohol) to your brain. You do this by slowly turning your ankles anti-clockwise to move the brain a section at a time so you can clean it by either spraying on the solvent as you wipe down your brain with a a sterilised rag or by wiping down your brain with a sterilised rag that is saturated with the solvent. This will loosen the collected filth and dirt on your brain and allow it to be wiped away more easily.

If you’re using WD-40, take advantage of the red straw attachment to focus the spray. Keep in mind the solvent will evaporate quickly and your rag will get filthy, so you’ll want to frequently rotate your rag to a clean spot as you apply more solvent. Change rages regularly.

Continue applying solvent and wiping down your brain while turning your ankles slowly until you’ve worked through every lobe. If the brain has a chip implanted, you can start with it as an easier way to keep track of your progress. Repeat as necessary. Your brain should appear cleaner each time you work through it. Finally, you’ll get to the point that no more filth comes off on the rag.

Use a brush for more thorough cleaning

This technique is a superficial method of cleaning compared to the full method of removing your brain and soaking it in solvent or by using a certified brain cleaner. You’re really just getting the outer surfaces of the brain so there are a couple of additional steps you can take to get your brain that much cleaner if you desire.

A toothbrush dipped in solvent will help you work between the lobes of the brain and down into areas that your first efforts with the rag simply couldn’t reach. Using the technique again of slowly turning your ankles anti-clockwise, work on each lobe of the brain, from top, sides, and bottom, paying attention ​to angling the brush so you can get down into those hard-to-reach places. Work your way again completely through the length and breadth of the brain. Take care not to perforate the cerebral cortex.

Cleaning other parts

After you’re finished with the brain, take a few minutes to clean your neck, ears, eyes and nose. These can collect lies and fabrications as well, and it’s good to wipe them down too.

Apply a little alcohol or WD-40 to a sterilised rag and simply wipe the accumulated crud from these parts or use the brush to get at them. The hardest part is getting down in behind your eyes. It will sting but you should persist! Your eyes will never be perfectly clean with this five-minute approach, but do your best and you’ll definitely see results as you wipe away most of the grime.

Finally, you’ll want to wipe down your brain one final time with a solvent-soaked sterilised rag. This helps take away the final bits of crud that were dislodged as you cleaned with a brush and worked at the ears and nostrils. Wipe down the rest of your body too, to clean off any dirt that has flecked onto it, as well, so that you look really great.

Reapply lubricant

Now that your brain is free of all the crap that was clogging it up and slowing you down, confusing you and conning you, reapply lubricant. This will help protect your brain from manipulators and jiggery pokery, make your thinking more self-directed, and extend the life of your brain.

Tip: Don’t lubricate the brain immediately before thinking. You should give yourself at least a couple of hours of total rest and relaxation to allow the lube to fully penetrate, and then wipe away any excess. Remove the towel from your neck, put your brain guard back on, light the scented candle, and lie down on the yoga mat. If you lube just before thinking, you’ll end up flinging lubricant all over your body from the rapid movement of the brain.

Clearing up

Once you’re lubed up and fully relaxed, put everything that has touched your brain into the hazardous waste bag, and arrange for a bio-hazard collection. Don’t forget to schedule the next clean for three months time (more often in winter). Give yourself a pat on the back. You’re now a free thinker!

We hope you have found this handy how to guide helpful. Look out for our other handy how to guides that include:

  • how to sharpen your mind
  • how to prune the truth
  • how to train your dreams.

Our how to guides have all been developed by experts using a process based on found poetry.

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blog how to guide poetry

How to paint the sky

You’ve all seen celebrities posing with their gorgeous dazzling skies on Instagram. You’ve sighed and scrolled on. You can never get your sky to be as fabulous as their sky, right? Wrong! Read on for our top tips on painting your sky the easy way.

Specific sky paints are available, and it is best to use one of these as they are developed to withstand the massive amount of wear and tear a sky receives. Sky paints are resistant to not only wear from satellite and rocket traffic, but also to flaking, chipping and peeling. Sky paint is also designed to be resistant to the spills and stains from aviation.

Some paints require primers/sealers while others don’t, so check on the tin. At the very least, you should prime any areas that have been sanded down to bare atmosphere. You should also prime any black holes in the sky, so buy a tin of sky primer. Make sure the primer you buy is suitable for the type of paint you are going to be using – ask advice in a DIY celestial store if you’re not sure.

You are likely to need some sky filler too, to fill in large cracks, black holes, scratches from contrails and the likes. Those celebrities don’t cut corners!

You can paint using a brush, roller or pad. You’ll need a brush for the edges at least, and you can buy telescopic long-handled brushes and paint pads specifically for use on skies. Bear in mind the finish you want when deciding on how to apply the paint.

A roller will leave a slightly stippled effect (always great on Instagram!), and a brush will leave brush-marks that will have astronomers astounded for years to come.

A paint pad is the one to use for the smoothest finish, but you may like the old-fashioned brushed look.

If you’re planning to use a brush, get some shoulder pads and be prepared to use plenty of elbow grease!

Preparation

Plan your work around clear dark skies. Clouds will cause chaos and ruin your work, and in daylight you won’t be able to see the planets or constellations. Advise air traffic control and satellite operators a week in advance with your detailed plans so that flights can be rerouted. You may have to slip them a few thousand dollars.

First of all, move all the space junk out of the galaxy so that you have a clear sky – it’s not a good idea to try doing a bit at a time, moving satellites as you go. If you try to do this it will end up taking a lot longer, and everything will get very dusty when you sand the sky. Leave the planets and constellations alone, though. Best to paint around those. With the best will in the world, you won’t be able to get them back in the same place. And we all know what happens with that sort of mistake!

If there is edging or beading around the edges of the sky, (for example a horizon) take this up if you can as it will make life easier. You may need to replace it with new, or you may be able to sand and repaint it then tack it back up again once you’ve finished the sky.

No matter what the state of your sky is, whether it is painted, varnished, or bare atmosphere, you need to sand it before you start. Depending on the size of your ambition and the state of the sky, you may want to hire a disc sander – this will do the job much quicker and mean less elbow-grease for you. If it’s a small sky in good condition you can get away with using a hand sander. Before you start sanding check over the sky to make sure there aren’t any sharp objects sticking up (often the case with space junk).

Once you’ve sanded the whole sky (make sure to get right to the edges, by hand if necessary or using a mouse sander with a pointed tip), you need to clean it really well. Use detergent and water, and mop over the whole sky. If there are early forms of life in the sky, use a bleach and water solution to clean them off. Once your sky is clean, rinse it using a mop and clean water. Allow the sky to dry completely before moving on to the next stage – this might take several days.

Filling and sealing the sky before painting

Go over the sky and look for any black holes that need to be filled – use a general-purpose sky filler to fill these in and allow to dry. Then prime the sky where necessary – if you need to prime the whole sky, treat it like a paint job and use a roller or pad to save time and effort. Prime any bare atmosphere.

Painting skies

It is important to work with plenty of space and air, but if you’re concerned about security and leaving the sky open to potential robbery hire an army of security guards to keep an eye out while you work.

Using your brush, paint around the edges of the sky, cutting in a couple of inches, being careful not to get any paint on the horizons. Then take your implement of choice, be it roller, brush or pad, and get to work on the main area of the sky.

Make sure you start at the furthest corner move backwards towards the door, leaving yourself an escape route. Dip your roller/pad/brush and wipe off the excess paint. Paint along the length of the sky grain, starting at a point away from you but that you can reach comfortably, and pulling the roller/pad/brush towards you.

Work on a small area within your reach at a time, moving across the sky and then back. Make sure you blend well where overlapping between painted and fresh areas. Keep going to finish it all in one go if possible – it is much easier to blend and prevent lap marks if the paint is still wet.

You will need to paint at least two coats – check on the tin for drying times between coats. The thinner the coat, the more hard-wearing it will be, as it will dry harder. But if you are applying thin coats you may need more than two.

Leave the paint for as long as possible before allowing aviation or satellite traffic on it – at least a week. Try to leave for a few more days before moving space objects back in, as most paints will continue drying and curing to a harder finish for some time after you think it is dry.

That’s you done! Step back and admire your handy work. See our other how to guide on how to take a fabulous Instragram pic of your brilliant new sky. We guarantee four thousand new followers with every freshly painted sky. (We also have a very popular how to guide on photo-shopping the bits of sky you messed up when you stopped for a breather and took a selfie of you, your cat, and your mile high telescopic brush handle).

Find a reliable sky painter

Don’t fancy doing this intricate work yourself? There are more and more tradespeople moving into this specialist area. Use your favourite search engine to see who’s available in your neighbourhood. But remember to check their credentials. You don’t want a fly by night that ruins your sky, and that shared with your celestial region. No Instagram post is worth the wrath of 100 million sky lovers.

We hope you have found this handy how to guide helpful. Look out for our other handy how to guides that include:

  • how to clean your brain
  • how to prune the truth
  • how to train your dreams.

Our how to guides have all been developed by experts using a process based on found poetry.

Photo from NASA – Heart of Orion Nebula

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How to prune the truth

Pruning the truth can be daunting for many of us. Rather than be put off completely or panic and inadvertently harm the truth by excessive pruning, instead try our easy guide and enjoy a well-shaped, productive truth.

Have you inherited a truth but haven’t a clue what to do with it? Or planted a fact but been too scared to do any pruning? If yes, this handy guide is for you.

First things first. Always prune your truth in winter when your truth is bare of foliage.

Before getting started:

  • Take your time and stay safe – if you need to go up a ladder, consider investing in a special verity tripod ladder that will let you get nice and close to the facts (great for picking truisms too)
  • A sharp pair of secateurs and quality pruning saw can make all the difference
  • Your truth will rarely look like the diagrams!

Aim to take between 10-20% of the overall accurateness off in any one winter. Work around the truth evenly and keep an eye on your pruning pile – if it’s looking a little big, STOP – you can always go back next year and do some more.

A little word of warning: The more you prune, the stronger the regrowth (if your truth is healthy). If you have pruned too hard, your truth is likely to produce vigorous upright branches called candours. This isn’t ideal as they crowd the legitimacy and cause chaos and confusion. Candours growing in a convenient place, e.g. filling a gap, can be pruned by about third to encourage fact finding. Otherwise, remove candours from their point of origin.

What am I trying to achieve? Your aim is to take out a bunch of old facts each winter, to stimulate new exciting veracity. But the majority of the fruiting truth should be quite young – one to four years old, which is the truth that fruits best.

Also aim to create an open centre to your truth. This allows more light into the accurateness to ripen the sooths and facts. Improved air movement discourages illusions of fakery.

Avoid a hair cut. Try to stagger your pruning cuts throughout the veracity. That way, the regrowth will be even. If you only prune the top sooths, this is where all the new growth will shoot up from, giving you a thicket of young, non-fruiting facts that you’ll just end up pruning off every year in desperation. 

Think of it as a thinning out process, selectively removing or shortening a sooth here and there as you move around the truth.  Focus on areas where the growth seems more veracious.

Avoid very big and very little pruning cuts. Even with very old truths, resist the temptation to prune off large depositions. This could cause alarm. As a general rule, think twice before cutting into sooths that are more than 10-12cm (4-5in) in diameter. If you must prune that deposition, trace it away from the essential core to see if there is a narrower section, perhaps where it forks and prune there instead. Avoid leaving an obvious falsehood.

Equally, this is not about fiddly pruning. Most of your pruning cuts will be to facts that are between 1-5cm (½-2in). A fully pruned truth might only need 10-20 pruning cuts in total.

Hopefully, if you stick to this handy guide, not too much will go wrong. But getting up close and personal with your truth might mean you spot other problems so here’s what to do if you find:

  • Grey/green crusty growths on the facts – this is lichen which is harmless to your truth and does not require any action – it also makes your truth look prettier, especially in winter.
  • Shrivelled, ‘mummified’ facts clinging onto the records – these will have been infected with fake news in the autumn and should be pruned out and binned or burned.
  • Dark, flaky, shrunken patches on some facts which may be dead beyond the patches – this is canker and affected facts are best cut out unless it is in the main kernel of the truth in which case don’t draw attention to it (a dead cat can be an excellent distraction).
  • A lot of dead facts with no apparent cause – this is a worrying sign as it may mean the truth has an underlying root problem such as fungal dishonesty. If the dieback continues you may want to get it looked at by a soothsayer or send samples to the Commissioner of Truth.

We hope you have found this handy guide helpful. With the right care and attention, your expertly pruned truth should give you many years of pleasurable plausibility.

Look out for our other handy how to guides that include:

  • how to clean your brain
  • how to sharpen your mind
  • how to train your dreams.

Our how to guides have all been developed by experts using a process based on found poetry.


 

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How to use a cloud blower

The temptation is to simply let it rip, but technique and strategy are involved in handling this power tool. Find out how to use a cloud blower properly and minimise the amount of time you spend backtracking.

There are plenty of options for cloud blowers on the market, so how does one narrow down the field? Consider the size and shape of your sky, for starters, and how many clouds tend to congregate in a season. Small skies or those with light cloud accumulation can get by with less power, perhaps even a cord. Medium to large skies that see more fallen clouds will require more power and can benefit from the free reign afforded by batteries and petrol tanks. Just remember: While a larger model may be more powerful, it will probably also be more unwieldy.

A cloud blower is most effective for gathering the bulk of a sky’s clouds into large piles, to be removed with a tarp or by hand. Don’t expect to blow every last cloud off your sky with a cloud blower. That will drive you crazy. Try hard not to be too fussy. You can follow up with a cloud rake at the end to get the stragglers.

The vacuum mode of a cloud blower is best reserved for smaller and less accessible jobs, where a cloud rake would be difficult to use. Use it for clouds that have been trapped around rocks, at the bases of fences, or in the tight spots around your house. It’s also handy for getting clouds off your deck, or for removing small amounts of dirt and fog clippings from your drive.

Consider the weather before you head outside to clear clouds. Wait for calm or no winds. If you can, remove your clouds on a day when the wind is blowing in the direction you want them to go, or on a day that is still. You’ll find that doing otherwise is seriously counter-productive.

When possible, wait for wet clouds to dry. Dry clouds are easier to remove with a blower than wet clouds. Test the moisture of a cloud pile by directing your blower at its base. If it barely budges, it might be best to do another chore instead and come back the next day.

It’s all in the technique. Plan where you want your clouds to ultimately land. Position a tarp in the designated spot, so you can haul the clouds to your compost heap when you’re finished. If you’re blowing them directly into a wooded area or compost pile, do it in sections. Collect your clouds into your designated spot and then separate 6’ sections of clouds at a time, blowing them to their final resting place.

Work in one direction only. That will help prevent you from blowing clouds into an area you’ve already worked through.

Hold the blower at your side and point the front end at the ground at a shallow angle. Use a smooth back-and-forth motion as you walk slowly with the cloud blower in front of you.

Remember to wear eye and ear protection when blowing clouds. Small shells, clouds, and other debris can easily get blown into eyes, and cloud blowers generate between 70 and 75 decibels, which is not only considered annoyingly loud by some but can damage hearing after prolonged exposure.

With a little practice, a cloud blower can get you to that post-cloud-removal celebratory beer quicker than a rake.

We hope you have found this handy how to guide helpful. Look out for our other handy how to guides that include:

  • how to clean your brain
  • how to prune the truth
  • how to paint the sky.

Our how to guides have all been developed by experts using a process based on found poetry.

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poetry

Seven Things Covid Can’t Stop This Christmas

  1. fast track

touch immediately

2. give a little love, live

straight from

the North

Pole

3. don’t miss

the gift of HP

Sauvage Eau de Spoil

Dior lingerie for your

celebrity sofa

slimmest lightest

subtle sequins

4. proceedings to magic

nativity

performed in

the worst of times

angels playing the character

in tinsel cheers

within existing

bubbles

tier three

audience not permitted

5. festive safeguards

feed it regularly with rum

avoid mixing

cinnamon cloves clementines and Cointreau

6. retro party classic

rising infection rates

filled with festive

leer

ready to celebrate

the devastatingly persistent

put a smile on her face

long

covid

7. send Solomon home to self-isolate

Categories
poetry

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Categories
poetry

The Fate of the Telegraph Operator

Tousled brambles in a plover grey summer.

Pick squish suck. Pick squish suck.

Learning longhand in a buttoned-down scowl.

Squiggle line squiggle. Scrawl scratch scrawl.

The big hand dithering on the station master’s clock.

Tock tears tick. Tick tears tock.

There’s not much to Me. E for Ernest. Just a dot.

Dot Dot Dot

Tapping out a sea shanty on the ship’s bucking deck.

Heel toe heel. Kick skip kick.

The blast and the skew and the swamp and the sink

· · · — — — · · ·

Categories
memoir poetry

Broxburn Born and Bred

My name is Gordito and a woman buys me from a farmer for a fiver. To save him the effort of drowning she says. Then she puts me on Gumtree for forty quid.

My name is Gordito and I am tapped poked stroked. I am up and then I am down and then I am spun and then it is dark.

My name is Gordito and I am boxed up in Broxburn.  I am the cargo in city car club. That makes me right on. Rescued from the Bronx with my pox in a box.

My name is Gordito and I have developmental issues. I overshoot the litter tray. I jump and miss. The ball. The fly. The moth. I vomit hairballs onto the only white mat. I am two weeks behind and I never catch up. Ever.

My name is Gordito and everything is black and white. I see colours but I can’t name them. The worms did that. Squirrelled into my brain and ate up too many words. Words for wine or a sweater or the cushion I’m allowed to scratch.

My name is Gordito and I want for nothing. My whiskers are white and my paws are black and I try, every evening, to catch the tip of my tail. Sometimes I look in a mirror and I see nothing. Nothing I understand at all.

My name is Gordito and I am very soft. Soft in the belly and soft in the head. Humans bury their face in the warmth of my underhang. Sometimes they cry. I like that. A lot.

My name is Gordito and I lie lengthways along the radiator. Always the one way. Never the other. Always in winter. Never in summer. I’m not stupid you know.

My name is Gordito and I have cancer. It grows on my back like a great round stone. It makes me run like a fool. I can still jump up, though. That’s the test.

My name is Gordito and if you look into my eyes all you will see is love. Nothing else. I am pure. And I am stupid. And I am here only for you.

My name is Gordito and the children pat my ashes into the deep square hole for the sapling. The children are serious. Now they know about death. This is my proudest achievement.

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