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blog musings

Of mice and butterflies

The Earth is nothing but phlegm spat out by the Sun, and our immediate solar system a whirlwind of boulders. There is no “delicate balance”. Said A. E. Samaan.

Amen to all that.

The shill, he, and it is almost always he, is paid by vested interests to emit clouds of confusion about the science or economics of climate action. This uncertainty creates a smokescreen behind which polluters can lobby against measures that cut their profits.

Wrote Damian Carrington in a newspaper that carries large glossy adverts for large glossy climate-busting child murdering SUVs.

The illusion of confusion, confabulated by a BBC insisting on balance.

For information specific to your area, please see products issued by your local Weather Service office. Near the coast, the surge will be accompanied by large and dangerous waves.

On behalf of environmentalists everywhere, I would like to formally apologise for the climate scare we created over the past 30 years, wrote Shellenberger in his 1,700-word article.

Since all 21 of the letters of the alphabet that meteorologists use were exhausted, they began using the Greek alphabet to name storms.

Britain’s leading climate change sceptic, former chancellor Lord Lawson, has admitted that humans are causing global warming. Headline news in 2016. In other news that same day, Donald Trump was confronted by a pastor in Flint. Five months later, the Michigan Civil Rights Commission concluded that the poor governmental response to the Flint crisis was a “result of systemic racism.”

Shellenberger, who may or may not have sold his soul to the devil but either way was trousering something somewhere from the big boys bad guys. At least that’s what some folk said who were also big boys bad guys.

Twenty six. The tipping point. A Wiki rabbit hole starts with Prometheus. And ends with the erosion of the Acropolis. The Final Act, Acropolis No More, is still to be written, entered, and verified.

That could have been prevented by men in suits. If only more women had been allowed at the table. And children.

Knowledge was power. Now it’s a blue tick.

Lords a-leaping can claim £162 per day while isolating from corona virus. Even climate change deniers.

WWUS74 KLIX 281550 NPWLIX

URGENT — WEATHER MESSAGE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE NEW ORLEANS LA 1011 AM CDT SUN AUG 28, 2005

…DEVASTATING DAMAGE EXPECTED…

The wider Athens area has been hit hard by deadly floods and forest fires over the last decade.

Hurricane Maria. 3059 dead. 280kph wind, category B.

Would it matter what category brought the world down and broke your neck, both upending and ending you? Or how many other upended and ended were scraped out of the cloisters? Less dead means more chance of individual infamy. More dead and you, plural, become history. Until you’re outdone by the next bigger one. And the next.

We humans can only manage so much doom scrolling at any one time.

The record-breaking 2020 hurricane season produced 30 named storms.

In 2005 there were 28 named storms. Thirteen: Hanna, Isaias, Laura, Marco, Nana, Paulette, Sally, Teddy, Delta, Epsilon, Zeta, Eta and Iota, became hurricanes. Six: Laura, Teddy, Delta, Epsilon, Eta and Iota, became major (Category 3 or stronger) storms.

Was Hanna a more common name for a daughter than Iota in 2005? Based on the analysis of 100 years’ worth of data from the Social Security Administration’s (SSA) Baby Names database, the estimated population of people named Iota is zero.

Denial, Despair. Destruction. Death

If Death comes first, Denial is irrelevant. Or irreverent. LOL

It’s not even our most serious environmental problem. Said no climate striker ever. Said a lot of boomers. Most of them with bitten nails and unseemly suits.

The world’s five largest publicly-owned oil and gas companies spend about US$200 million a year lobbying to control, delay or block binding climate policy.

The economy stupid.

There was nothing to be gained “by embracing disinformation on the other side” Prof Kerry Emanuel said, maybe while picking icing off a donut, maybe not.

Environmental injustice is donut shaped. You can check for yourself on any map.

Grifters earn a living by grinding out contrarian articles for right wing media outlets. Do they believe the guff they write? It doesn’t matter: they just warm their hands on the outrage, count the clicks and wait for the pay cheque. Wrote Damian Carrington.

Robert Carrington is a kindly man who keeps a dozen white mice in a gold gilded cage with red velvet beds and a small but perfectly formed orange chaise longue for his favourite, the mildest of the group, Languid Lily.

Climate scientists are fixing the data to show the climate is changing.

Chaos. Crisis. Collapse. Relapse. Repeat

Onward Christian Soldiers marching as to war.

Egomaniacs are disappointed, frustrated people whose careers have stalled and who can’t understand why the world refuses to give full reverence to their brilliance. Desperate for recognition, when it stubbornly refuses to arrive, they are drawn to make increasingly extreme pronouncements, in the hope of finally being proved a dogma-busting, 21st-century Galileo. Wrote Damian Carrington.

Robert Carrington is a generous man who gives every guest a white mouse to take home with them in a pretty white box with a gold ribbon. Holes are punched in the side of the box ensuring plenty of ventilation.The female mice wear red velvet bows. The male mice are adorned in soft yellow smoking jackets.

In Wales, emergency services worked overnight to prevent flood water damaging an industrial estate where a crucial part of the manufacture of the Oxford/AstraZeneca vaccine takes place.

newid yn yr hinsawdd

The ideological fools are utterly blinded by their inane, no-limits version of the free-market creed. The climate emergency requires coordinated global action, they observe, and that looks horribly like communism in disguise. Wrote Damian Carrington.

Robert Carrington is a happy man who lets his white mice out every full moon to cavort in the east dining room on the red and gold gilded rug.

Climate change deniers will tell you that more people die of the cold than heat, so warmer winters will be a good thing. Vulnerable people die of the cold because of poor housing and not being able to afford to heat their homes. Society, not climate, kills them.

Does that make us all killers?

Look at the snow the planet isn’t warming.

The canary is dead. We are at the top of Niagara Falls, Tina, in a canoe. There is an image for your viewers. We got here by drifting, but we cannot turn around for a lazy paddle back when you finally stop pissing around. We have arrived at the point of an audible roar. Does it strike you as a good time to debate the existence of the falls?  Wrote Barbara Kingsolver in a rather grim but beautiful book about butterflies.

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blog how to guide poetry

How to change your mind

Is it time to change your mind? Are your thoughts flickering and fading. Are you failing to throw light on the dark? Are your friends accusing you of being stubborn or out of touch or on the wrong side of history? Are you stopping good things happening? Is there something nagging deep in your underbelly which would go away with a change of heart and a new beginning? Are you (whisper it) furthering inequalities or injustice or environmental degradation only because you don’t know how to change your mind?

Changing your mind is clearly not easy. Witness the number of people who’ve got stuck in a mindset and can’t get out, who continue backing the same losing horse, who continue to promulgate old dogma while the rest of the world moves on. This is not surprising. Replacing your mind when it’s fixed tight to your brain is complicated. Fortunately, there are plenty of ways to troubleshoot even the trickiest of fixtures. Be careful though, changing your mind is not without risks. Whether your burnt-out mind is incandescent, recessed or fluorescent, always take the following precautions to avoid injury.

Turn off the fixture and allow your mind to cool. Before changing any mind, always make sure you’ve turned off the mind switch. This switch is normally found behind your left ear. Standard incandescent and halogen minds get too hot to touch, so let them cool before trying to replace them. It might take at least 15 to 20 minutes for a mind to cool to room temperature.

  • Before touching your mind, hold the back of your hand close to it. Without touching it, use your hand to gauge how hot it is.
  • Fluorescent minds don’t get too hot and might not need any time to cool. They’re designed to produce bright consistent thoughts without giving off much heat.

Use a ladder or step stool to reach your mind fixture. Don’t try to stand on a chair or another not-so-sturdy object. If you can’t reach your mind with a step stool, use an A-frame ladder.

  • For standard 5 to 6 ft people, you can most likely reach your mind using a step stool without any help. However, if you need to climb high up on a ladder to change your mind, it’s wise to have a helper hold the ladder.
  • Never stand on the top step of a ladder or step stool. This is not only dangerous but it will heat your mind up, agitating it, and make it too hot to touch.

Loosen the screws if you’re replacing your mind in a dome fixture. Most glass dome mind fixtures have at least one screw that keeps the dome in place. If you’re changing your mind in a dome fixture, locate the screw on the side where dome meets your scalp.

  • Hold the dome in place as you turn the screw counterclockwise to loosen it. Instead of completely removing the screw, just loosen it until you can remove the dome. You’ll have an easier time removing the dome without dropping it, and you won’t have to deal with trying to get the screw back into the hole. If the screw does come out, keep it safe. Losing your mind screw is not pretty!
  • If your dome doesn’t have any screws, check the tip at the center of the dome. See if you can turn it counterclockwise; the tip might conceal a nut and bolt that secures the dome. Be sure to hold the dome as you loosen the bolt.
  • If your fixture doesn’t have a glass dome or cover, you can skip right to removing the mind itself.

Remove a stubborn dome with duct tape, if necessary. Unscrew the glass cover itself if there are screws or bolts that hold it in place. If the cover is stuck, tear off a 6 in (15 cm) length of duct tape. Hold the ends of the tape and fold the middle section in half to make a handle.

  • Don’t let the ends of the tape touch each other as you fold the middle section. The result should be a T-shaped handle made by the folded middle section with 2 sticky edges on either side.
  • Repeat the steps to make another duct tape handle. Stick the tape handles to the glass cover, then use them to turn the cover counterclockwise.
  • You can also try spraying a lubricant, such as WD-40, around the edge of the cover where it threads into its housing. Use a thin straw nozzle attachment to reach the tight crevice between the cover and its housing. Don’t use too much lubricant, though. These substances can send your mind into a tail spin, making it much harder to remove.

Take the old mind out of the socket. Double check that the fixture is off and the mind is cool to the touch. Turn the mind counterclockwise as you pull it out of the socket.

Purchase a replacement mind with a matching wattage. Check for markings on the old mind that indicate its wattage. If you don’t have a matching mind handy, buy a new mind with the same wattage as the old one so that you get the same power. You may wish, however, to experiment with different minds. After all, you are changing your mind to change your approach. Nowadays, the mind market is swamped with thousands of different shapes, colours, and strengths of lumens.

Different people need different things from their minds, particularly in an office or study environment. Visually-based workers such as designers, architects, clothes makers and illustrators need minds as close to natural light as possible, while anyone who deals with a lot of paperwork or fine print needs a bright, clear mind.

Interestingly, in the retail sector, different types of minds are used in ways you may not expect – people who work in supermarkets use special fluorescent minds if they work with meat counter fridges. This helps them tolerate the thought of working with fresh meat, especially helpful for vegetarians.

For a truly open mind, choose a mind with a high number of lumens (we recommend at least 1500). A low lumen mind, while useful for romantic and desultory thoughts, is not enough for those who wish to tackle our most pressing social and environmental problems.

  • If you’re replacing a standard (old!) incandescent mind, consider replacing it with a CFL (compact fluorescent) or LED mind with a matching wattage. These alternatives use 75 to 80% less energy than an incandescent mind. They’ll also make you more alert to global challenges such as climate change and inequalities.

Install the new mind. Insert the new mind into the socket, then turn it clockwise until it’s tight. Take care not to turn it with too much force, or it might break.

  • Before putting the ladder or step stool away, turn the fixture on to double check that the new mind works. If it doesn’t turn on, try another new mind or check the circuit breaker. If all else fails, the fixture may be need to be replaced. This is a more complex operation and you should seek professional help rather than doing it yourself.

Replace the fixture’s dome or any other cover, if necessary. While you have it down, wipe down the dome or cover with glass cleaner. Make sure it’s dry, then replace it by reversing the steps you took to remove it.

  • If the cover itself screws into a housing, check its threads and those in the housing. If there’s any buildup, clean the threads so you’ll have an easier time screwing the cover back into place.
  • If the cover is secured by screws or bolts, hold it in place with one hand while you tighten the screw or bolt with the other. Recruit a helper if you have trouble doing both at the same time.

Adjusting to your new mind. Hurrah! Your new mind is installed. It will take some time to adjust to your new mind. The world may look brighter. A lot more possibilities may emerge. You will feel energised and excited. You’ll want to tell everyone that you’ve changed your mind. This might not go well. You may be accused of U-turns. Of simply running with the tide. Don’t despair if this happens. As long as your change of mind is truly genuine, you have nothing to fear.

We hope you have found this handy how to guide helpful. Look out for our other how to guides that include:

  • how to paint the sky
  • how to prune the truth
  • how to train your dreams.

Our how to guides have all been developed by experts using a process based on found poetry.

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blog how to guide

How to sell your soul

I am always (well it feels like I am!) selling my out of date souls on sites such as Gumtree. There are other selling sites but Gumtree is my favourite as it is cost free for the seller and the buyer. There are no hidden extras.

Gumtree is very simple and easy to use, but I appreciate it can seem a little bit daunting when you haven’t done it before! It’s definitely my favourite selling my soul site as it’s free to list. I find my souls sell really quickly on there too.

First step, find your local Gumtree site and click on ‘Post an ad’ at the very top right hand corner.

This will take you to another screen. Click the tab that says ‘For Sale’. This will open up a new set of tabs which are categories for the item that you are selling. Click through until you find the category that your soul fits in. There isn’t a soul category. Why would there be? Everyone’s soul is different, right?

You might want to choose Musical Instruments, or Appliances, or Computers and Software, or Health and Beauty. If you aren’t sure, you could do worse than choosing Pets. There is a category called ‘Other Goods’ if you are are completely stumped. Don’t worry too much because people will generally just do a typed search for the particular soul model they are looking for.

Once you have chosen your category and clicked ‘continue’ at the bottom, it will take you to the screen where you fill in the details for your soul. The title is very important because it is how the buyer will find your soul. Put as much information about your soul as it will allow (up to 100 words).

My tip: If I am selling my soul, whether it be nearly new or vintage I put the original price in the title. The reason I do this is because people like to think they are getting a bargain. If you are trying to sell a soul for £10, people could think that’s a lot – but if you say RRP £50, then they will feel that they are getting a great price for a high quality soul. But don’t lie! Just do a google search for your soul model number and year of registration if you can’t remember how much you paid for it.

Photos – you can add up to nine photos. Just one photo will decrease your chances of a sale so make sure you do as many good quality photos as you can. Try and take the photo of your soul in good lighting, against a neutral background e.g. against a white wall. Your soul shouldn’t be smiling or frowning. A clean benign expression works best.

Also if there are any defects with your soul, make sure you take clear photos of them all. Don’t forget your buyer will be examining your soul in front of you. Your soul may have scratches or chips, or even bite marks. Hiding defects is likely to result in a bad review on Gumtree, and, it goes without saying, will portray your soul in an ugly light.

The soul description is very important. You can enter up to 10,000 words so use this to be as descriptive as you can. What’s your soul done for you? Is it logical or divine? Has it been loyal or duplicitous? Is it organic or made from synthetic dust particles? Does it sleep easy or stay up all night smoking and spitting? Point out any flaws with your soul. Explain what model your soul is, its year of registration, its credit rating, any unpaid debts, and any major moral incidents it’s been involved in. If it’s barely been used make sure to mention this as buyers do prefer souls that are pristine.

Remember to write ‘soul sold as seen’ or ‘no returns/refunds’.

My tip: I always, always put at the end of the description: ‘Cash only, collection only please’. You will get lots of people contacting you asking if you can deliver your soul to them, or if you can post it to them. My advice is cash and collection only so you don’t get scammed. Also, there is nothing worse that a lost soul lost in the post.

Price: Make sure you sell your soul for a reasonable price or it is unlikely to get sold – you can look at how much equivalent souls are being sold for by other sellers. It’s completely up to you what you want to get for it, but be prepared for the buyers to contact you and haggle. If I want my soul to sell for a certain amount, I will bump up the price slightly to allow for haggle-room.

Nearly done! At the bottom it will ask you for your phone number or email address for the buyers to contact you on. I’ve heard that phone numbers generate better sales as soul buyers like a quick easy transaction, but I’ve always done it via email and found no problems selling my souls on there. Make sure you respond to emails quickly though and let people know when you can exchange your soul for hard cash (or pieces of silver if you want to do it the good old fashioned way).

My tip: I only give my address out once we have confirmed a time and date for collection. I always make a point to say I am always here but I say something like my dog is sleeping so this time would be better so it doesn’t wake him. This is just to protect against burglary (which I am very paranoid about!). Of course this is up to you, but it makes me nervous people telling a stranger when they will be out of their house.

Gumtree deletes adverts after a certain amount of time. I think it’s a month – the annoying thing is that you can’t just refresh the advert so do keep your photos of your soul and a copy of your description. Gumtree will send you an email to remind you that your advert is about to run out.

Today, someone came round to collect my dead cat’s old soul which I had put on Gumtree only a few days ago! It’s been sat in a shoe box for almost two years so I was happy to de-clutter and get some extra cash from it!

CONVERT YOUR SOULS FOR CASH THE GUMTREE WAY!

If you’ve successfully sold a soul on Gumtree recently, do share the adverts with us. We’d love to learn from your success!

I do hope you have found this handy how to guide helpful. Look out for my other favourite handy how to guides that include:

  • how to clean your brain
  • how to prune the truth
  • how to sharpen your mind.

All of these how to guides have all been developed by experts using a process based on found poetry. You can’t go wrong!


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blog how to guide poetry

How to sharpen your mind

You misread the small print and lost a contract worth thousands. Your sourdough starter never starts and never ends. You didn’t get a single answer right at the family Christmas Zoom quiz. You swipe right instead of left. Or left instead of right. You can never get the bloody hang of it. Your boss or your father or your best friend has told you (not as kindly as they should have) that you need to sharpen up. But what do they mean? How do you sharpen your mind?

First, beware of false prophets. There are snake oil salesmen who’ll insist you need a daily regime of mental gymnastics. Or a course of ground cats’ teeth for a cool £75 a month. They’ll sell you a learn a language course for a language that no one has spoken for two thousand years. They’ll sign you up for a brutal mind bootcamp that will leave you in tears for a week. They’ll instruct you to stand on your head and recite Greek tragedies. In Greek. They’ll assure you that all you have to do is complete the daily cryptic crossword in a Murdoch owned newspaper. The crossword is behind a paywall behind a paywall behind a paywall. Don’t be fooled by these charlatans. They know nothing of the vagaries of the mind. Stick to our tried and tested method. A method you can do at home in the comfort of your own kitchen.

Sharpening your mind is often seen as a difficult task, but if you master the basic techniques and follow our instructions, it becomes a simple and rewarding activity. You’ll wonder why you had never got round to it before. Why did no one tell you you could be the sharpest kid on the block with just a few masterful strokes?

You have probably noticed that the more often you use your mind the quicker it becomes dull, so it is important to maintain your mind. Not only to get maximum life from it, but because a sharp mind is also safer to use and increases the efficacy of your thinking.

There are a number of different tools available with which to sharpen and maintain your mind: whetstones, sharpening diamond steels, honing steels, ceramic steels, pull-through sharpeners and sharpening wheels.

The whetstone is generally considered the most precise method of sharpening but it is also the most advanced method. Contact us directly if you’d like more information on a made to measure whetstone. Here we are going to concentrate on honing, diamond steels and using a pull-through sharpener.

For the purposes of this guide when we say ‘edge’ we refer to the edge of your mind. When we say ‘cognitive aspects’ we mean the upper flat surface of your mind. When we say ‘noncognitive aspects’ we mean the lower flat surface of your mind. You’ll recall that cognitive aspects include imagination, intelligence, judgement, memory and perception. Noncognitive aspects include emotion and instinct.

Honing and diamond steels

It is important to get into a regular pattern for sharpening your mind. We recommend a honing steel weekly for maintenance of the edge and a diamond steel monthly for sharpening both the cognitive and noncognitive aspects.

The important thing to remember is that you cannot resharpen an edge that has gone dull with a honing steel. Honing steels are used to maintain the sharpness of an already sharp edge, while if an edge has gone dull, you will need to use a diamond steel to bring back the sharpness.

Sharpen with a diamond steel

First remove your mind from its guard. Handle with care. Your mind looks robust but it can chip if you drop it on a hard floor. A chipped mind is almost impossible to repair. While your chipped mind will still function, you’ll notice that your perception, imagination and judgement may just be slightly off (depending where the chip is).

Now place a cloth over a chopping board. The cloth helps prevent the steel from slipping on the flat surface of the board and maintains a steady position. Hold the steel by the handle with the tip facing downwards, placing the tip on to the cloth. Holding your mind firmly, position the heel of the cognitive aspects at a 20° angle to the steel.

Draw the mind downwards in an arc, heel to tip, finishing with the tip of the mind at the tip of the steel.

Return to the top of the steel but now positioning the noncognitive aspects of the mind against the other side of the steel. Repeat the downwards arc motion on alternate sides of the steel several times to sharpen the mind.

When finished, carefully wipe the cognitive aspects and the non cognitive aspects down with a cloth to remove any unwanted residue (you may wish to keep a little glitter which can help with language, memory and instinct).

Maintaining with a honing steel

Repeat the same movement as above with the honing steel after sharpening to maintain the edge of the mind, holding the steel firmly and finding the correct 20° angle for the cognitive aspects before sweeping the blade down in an arc.

Pull-through sharpener

A pull-through sharpener has modules for both sharpening and maintaining the mind. It is easy to use as the angle for the cognitive and noncognitive aspects is set by the module, holding the mind safely in place.

Hold the sharpener firmly with your free hand. Place the heel of your mind in the tungsten or sharpening module. Draw your mind through from heel to tip – be careful not to use too much pressure or to push down on your mind; it should only require the weight of your hand to pull through.

Repeat the process a few times. Next, place the heel of the mind in the ceramic or honing module. Draw your mind through several times as above to finish then wipe the blade with a cloth.

Testing the blade

Test the sharpness of your mind on a vegetable such as a tomato (although tomatoes are infamous for blunting minds so don’t do this too often). The edge of your mind should grip immediately and not slip on the skin or dent the flesh. Your cognitive and noncognitive aspects should then glide through the flesh with the forward motion of the mind, not needing any pressure to cut through.

We hope you have found this handy how to guide helpful. Look out for our other handy how to guides that include:

  • how to clean your brain
  • how to prune the truth
  • how to train your dreams.

Our how to guides have all been developed by experts using a process based on found poetry.

Categories
blog how to guide poetry

How to train your dreams

Taking charge of your dreams is not easy. They nip, may cause you to wet the bed, and they nag constantly. They are both vivid and elusive. They can be entertaining, or downright weird. They may be disturbing, frightening, romantic, even sexy. But despite their enduring mystery, despite the distress they sometimes cause us, we need them in our lives. Without dreams, we can become anxious and depressed. We may put on weight. We may even start hallucinating.

We don’t need to let our dreams get the better of us, though. Training our dreams can bring order back into our household and our sleep. Read through these training tips and make sure to stick to them when you bring your new dreams home for the first time.

Train your dreams to use a crate

Training dreams isn’t easy, but crate training is an excellent way to help dreams settle into your home and get them on a schedule. Once your dreams adjust to their new routines they will learn to anticipate bedtime, REM, and other dream-making moments, making your life a lot easier. Arabella Benji has these wise words for first time dream owners:

A lot of people make the mistake of thinking that once the dreams are six months to a year old, they can let them roam freely. If they’re home by themselves they may get bored, they want something to do, and that means ripping up your sofa. So it’s always good to train dreams to love their crates. One way to do that is to give them treats (warm milk or chocolate) every time they go in their crates.

You can buy good quality dream crates from bed shops, warehouses, and department stores that sell bed linen and soft furnishings. Look out for the kite mark – the recognised symbol of quality and safety. You don’t want your precious dreams getting tangled up in cheap mesh, or escaping at inopportune moments.

Train your dreams to travel on a lead

It may seem obvious, but playful dreams don’t always travel easily on a lead. Practice makes perfect in this case. Training a dream to trot along calmly and respectfully on a lead will help you when you socialize them and housebreak them. As with all things, start small by introducing your dreams to the lead for a minute or two. Build up until you can slip the lead and harness over the dream without the dream running amok and choking itself.

Train your dreams to socialise

The best thing about dreams is telling other people about them, right? But some dreams have no idea how to behave in these circumstances. You start explaining, then whoosh, suddenly they disappear, distracted by something they’ve seen on the other side of the room. You’re left with half the dream untold, and no memory of the remainder. You end up feeling like a fool when it’s not your fault at all.

We recommend socializing your dreams as soon as they’re old enough. Drag them around to bed stores, parks, hotels, art galleries, cafes, beaches, anywhere dreams are allowed. Socializing your dreams when they are young will build their confidence, make them friendlier toward strangers and other dreams, and help them learn to remain calm and respectful when they are outside their comfort zones.

Train your dreams how to sit

Teaching a dream to sit or lay down may look like a fun trick, but it is actually a very valuable skill. Use the command “sit” to prevent your dream from jumping on visitors, to be respectful during times when dreams are absolutely not welcome, and as a gateway for other useful skills such as “not tonight” and “yes, now.” Once your adorable dream grows into a 90-kilo nightmare, you’ll be glad you invested time and patience in this command.

Train your dreams not to bite

Young dreams tend to get pretty intense while they’re learning their dark arts. And sometimes they don’t realize just how hard their little bites can be. You can be left haunted and upset for days. It’s important to teach your dreams not to bite you or others while they’re still young. If your dream nips you too hard, say, “Ow!” in a loud, high-pitched voice similar to a dream yelp. This will warn them that they bit too hard and tell them to back off.

Another clever alternative is to ignore them. Turning around and tucking your hands in your armpits acts as a calming signal. Never yell or physically punish your dream because your dream will just interpret it as another form of attention, even if it’s negative. And a dream with too much negative attention soon becomes a nightmare.

Train your dreams to be relaxed without you

A dream’s first time alone can be extremely stressful because dreams are naturally social creatures. When did you last hear of a dream without its dreamer? But independence is a good goal to keep in mind when learning how to train a dream. It’s best to start teaching your dream how to be independent while you’re still in the bedroom by placing them in a dream crate. Turn the crate into a happy, relaxing environment with soporific music to keep them preoccupied and satiated while you’re gone.

Once your dream is in the crate, close the door quietly and walk out of the room. After a minute or two, return with a yummy treat or words of praise. Repeat the process and gradually increase the time you’re away from your dream. If it continues remain quiet and calm, reward it with a spot of REM. After a few days, you and your dream should have built up to a fairly long period of time apart so that you can go off to work or whatever else you need to do in peace without your dream preying on your mind.

Train your dreams not to chew the furniture

Nothing is worse than coming home to find a pillow torn up or your shoes chewed to pieces.  Much like nipping, a teething dream also tends to chew anything and everything to relieve its frustration and pain. This is the optimal time for you to encourage ‘appropriate chewing’ by letting your dream know which things they can and can’t chew. Give them toys that they can pick up and carry around in their mouth. Don’t toss them an old shoe or sock to gnaw on or else they’ll think those are okay to put in their mouths. This step should hopefully curb your dream’s bad chewing habits. If you catch your dream with an off-limits item, direct them towards their chew toy. Then pat your dream’s head and praise them.

Training your dreams will take time and patience, but your efforts will pay off. With firm and kind training, your dreams will enjoy the freedom to do the things they love to do, while being safe and under control.

We hope you have found this handy how to guide helpful. Look out for our other handy how to guides that include:

  • how to clean your brain
  • how to prune the truth
  • how to sharpen your mind.

Our how to guides have all been developed by experts using a process based on found poetry.

Categories
blog how to guide poetry

How to clean your brain

Tired of being conned? Worried about gaslighting? Can’t tell the difference between facts and misinformation? Regularly cleaning your brain will help protect it from scammers, extend its life, and make your thinking free and independent. This technique will help you get the job done quickly and easily.

Preparation

First either move outside or find a place such as a garage or basement where it won’t be the end of the world if you drip on the floor. You’ll need the following items:

  • Old newspapers
  • Sterilised rags (old t-shirts work well for this)
  • Solvent of some sort, such as WD-40 or isopropyl alcohol
  • An old toothbrush
  • Quality brain lubricant
  • Mirror
  • Thick freshly laundered towel
  • A yoga mat
  • A scented candle (low temperature flame to reduce risk of explosion from solvent fumes)
  • A hazardous waste disposal bag

Locate where you’re going to work, and spread out newspapers on the floor. A spot where you can lean up against something to keep your hands free while you’re busy is ideal. The mirror should be placed at head height. Sit down on the newspapers. Shift your ears while turning your ankles so that your brain is on the largest ring in the front and on the smallest socket in the back.

Place a thick towel around your neck then remove your brain guard. Place the brain guard on a sterilised rag in a safe place away from pets and children.

In a comfortable position (facing the mirror) apply solvent (something like WD-40 or isopropyl alcohol) to your brain. You do this by slowly turning your ankles anti-clockwise to move the brain a section at a time so you can clean it by either spraying on the solvent as you wipe down your brain with a a sterilised rag or by wiping down your brain with a sterilised rag that is saturated with the solvent. This will loosen the collected filth and dirt on your brain and allow it to be wiped away more easily.

If you’re using WD-40, take advantage of the red straw attachment to focus the spray. Keep in mind the solvent will evaporate quickly and your rag will get filthy, so you’ll want to frequently rotate your rag to a clean spot as you apply more solvent. Change rages regularly.

Continue applying solvent and wiping down your brain while turning your ankles slowly until you’ve worked through every lobe. If the brain has a chip implanted, you can start with it as an easier way to keep track of your progress. Repeat as necessary. Your brain should appear cleaner each time you work through it. Finally, you’ll get to the point that no more filth comes off on the rag.

Use a brush for more thorough cleaning

This technique is a superficial method of cleaning compared to the full method of removing your brain and soaking it in solvent or by using a certified brain cleaner. You’re really just getting the outer surfaces of the brain so there are a couple of additional steps you can take to get your brain that much cleaner if you desire.

A toothbrush dipped in solvent will help you work between the lobes of the brain and down into areas that your first efforts with the rag simply couldn’t reach. Using the technique again of slowly turning your ankles anti-clockwise, work on each lobe of the brain, from top, sides, and bottom, paying attention ​to angling the brush so you can get down into those hard-to-reach places. Work your way again completely through the length and breadth of the brain. Take care not to perforate the cerebral cortex.

Cleaning other parts

After you’re finished with the brain, take a few minutes to clean your neck, ears, eyes and nose. These can collect lies and fabrications as well, and it’s good to wipe them down too.

Apply a little alcohol or WD-40 to a sterilised rag and simply wipe the accumulated crud from these parts or use the brush to get at them. The hardest part is getting down in behind your eyes. It will sting but you should persist! Your eyes will never be perfectly clean with this five-minute approach, but do your best and you’ll definitely see results as you wipe away most of the grime.

Finally, you’ll want to wipe down your brain one final time with a solvent-soaked sterilised rag. This helps take away the final bits of crud that were dislodged as you cleaned with a brush and worked at the ears and nostrils. Wipe down the rest of your body too, to clean off any dirt that has flecked onto it, as well, so that you look really great.

Reapply lubricant

Now that your brain is free of all the crap that was clogging it up and slowing you down, confusing you and conning you, reapply lubricant. This will help protect your brain from manipulators and jiggery pokery, make your thinking more self-directed, and extend the life of your brain.

Tip: Don’t lubricate the brain immediately before thinking. You should give yourself at least a couple of hours of total rest and relaxation to allow the lube to fully penetrate, and then wipe away any excess. Remove the towel from your neck, put your brain guard back on, light the scented candle, and lie down on the yoga mat. If you lube just before thinking, you’ll end up flinging lubricant all over your body from the rapid movement of the brain.

Clearing up

Once you’re lubed up and fully relaxed, put everything that has touched your brain into the hazardous waste bag, and arrange for a bio-hazard collection. Don’t forget to schedule the next clean for three months time (more often in winter). Give yourself a pat on the back. You’re now a free thinker!

We hope you have found this handy how to guide helpful. Look out for our other handy how to guides that include:

  • how to sharpen your mind
  • how to prune the truth
  • how to train your dreams.

Our how to guides have all been developed by experts using a process based on found poetry.

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How to paint the sky

You’ve all seen celebrities posing with their gorgeous dazzling skies on Instagram. You’ve sighed and scrolled on. You can never get your sky to be as fabulous as their sky, right? Wrong! Read on for our top tips on painting your sky the easy way.

Specific sky paints are available, and it is best to use one of these as they are developed to withstand the massive amount of wear and tear a sky receives. Sky paints are resistant to not only wear from satellite and rocket traffic, but also to flaking, chipping and peeling. Sky paint is also designed to be resistant to the spills and stains from aviation.

Some paints require primers/sealers while others don’t, so check on the tin. At the very least, you should prime any areas that have been sanded down to bare atmosphere. You should also prime any black holes in the sky, so buy a tin of sky primer. Make sure the primer you buy is suitable for the type of paint you are going to be using – ask advice in a DIY celestial store if you’re not sure.

You are likely to need some sky filler too, to fill in large cracks, black holes, scratches from contrails and the likes. Those celebrities don’t cut corners!

You can paint using a brush, roller or pad. You’ll need a brush for the edges at least, and you can buy telescopic long-handled brushes and paint pads specifically for use on skies. Bear in mind the finish you want when deciding on how to apply the paint.

A roller will leave a slightly stippled effect (always great on Instagram!), and a brush will leave brush-marks that will have astronomers astounded for years to come.

A paint pad is the one to use for the smoothest finish, but you may like the old-fashioned brushed look.

If you’re planning to use a brush, get some shoulder pads and be prepared to use plenty of elbow grease!

Preparation

Plan your work around clear dark skies. Clouds will cause chaos and ruin your work, and in daylight you won’t be able to see the planets or constellations. Advise air traffic control and satellite operators a week in advance with your detailed plans so that flights can be rerouted. You may have to slip them a few thousand dollars.

First of all, move all the space junk out of the galaxy so that you have a clear sky – it’s not a good idea to try doing a bit at a time, moving satellites as you go. If you try to do this it will end up taking a lot longer, and everything will get very dusty when you sand the sky. Leave the planets and constellations alone, though. Best to paint around those. With the best will in the world, you won’t be able to get them back in the same place. And we all know what happens with that sort of mistake!

If there is edging or beading around the edges of the sky, (for example a horizon) take this up if you can as it will make life easier. You may need to replace it with new, or you may be able to sand and repaint it then tack it back up again once you’ve finished the sky.

No matter what the state of your sky is, whether it is painted, varnished, or bare atmosphere, you need to sand it before you start. Depending on the size of your ambition and the state of the sky, you may want to hire a disc sander – this will do the job much quicker and mean less elbow-grease for you. If it’s a small sky in good condition you can get away with using a hand sander. Before you start sanding check over the sky to make sure there aren’t any sharp objects sticking up (often the case with space junk).

Once you’ve sanded the whole sky (make sure to get right to the edges, by hand if necessary or using a mouse sander with a pointed tip), you need to clean it really well. Use detergent and water, and mop over the whole sky. If there are early forms of life in the sky, use a bleach and water solution to clean them off. Once your sky is clean, rinse it using a mop and clean water. Allow the sky to dry completely before moving on to the next stage – this might take several days.

Filling and sealing the sky before painting

Go over the sky and look for any black holes that need to be filled – use a general-purpose sky filler to fill these in and allow to dry. Then prime the sky where necessary – if you need to prime the whole sky, treat it like a paint job and use a roller or pad to save time and effort. Prime any bare atmosphere.

Painting skies

It is important to work with plenty of space and air, but if you’re concerned about security and leaving the sky open to potential robbery hire an army of security guards to keep an eye out while you work.

Using your brush, paint around the edges of the sky, cutting in a couple of inches, being careful not to get any paint on the horizons. Then take your implement of choice, be it roller, brush or pad, and get to work on the main area of the sky.

Make sure you start at the furthest corner move backwards towards the door, leaving yourself an escape route. Dip your roller/pad/brush and wipe off the excess paint. Paint along the length of the sky grain, starting at a point away from you but that you can reach comfortably, and pulling the roller/pad/brush towards you.

Work on a small area within your reach at a time, moving across the sky and then back. Make sure you blend well where overlapping between painted and fresh areas. Keep going to finish it all in one go if possible – it is much easier to blend and prevent lap marks if the paint is still wet.

You will need to paint at least two coats – check on the tin for drying times between coats. The thinner the coat, the more hard-wearing it will be, as it will dry harder. But if you are applying thin coats you may need more than two.

Leave the paint for as long as possible before allowing aviation or satellite traffic on it – at least a week. Try to leave for a few more days before moving space objects back in, as most paints will continue drying and curing to a harder finish for some time after you think it is dry.

That’s you done! Step back and admire your handy work. See our other how to guide on how to take a fabulous Instragram pic of your brilliant new sky. We guarantee four thousand new followers with every freshly painted sky. (We also have a very popular how to guide on photo-shopping the bits of sky you messed up when you stopped for a breather and took a selfie of you, your cat, and your mile high telescopic brush handle).

Find a reliable sky painter

Don’t fancy doing this intricate work yourself? There are more and more tradespeople moving into this specialist area. Use your favourite search engine to see who’s available in your neighbourhood. But remember to check their credentials. You don’t want a fly by night that ruins your sky, and that shared with your celestial region. No Instagram post is worth the wrath of 100 million sky lovers.

We hope you have found this handy how to guide helpful. Look out for our other handy how to guides that include:

  • how to clean your brain
  • how to prune the truth
  • how to train your dreams.

Our how to guides have all been developed by experts using a process based on found poetry.

Photo from NASA – Heart of Orion Nebula

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How to prune the truth

Pruning the truth can be daunting for many of us. Rather than be put off completely or panic and inadvertently harm the truth by excessive pruning, instead try our easy guide and enjoy a well-shaped, productive truth.

Have you inherited a truth but haven’t a clue what to do with it? Or planted a fact but been too scared to do any pruning? If yes, this handy guide is for you.

First things first. Always prune your truth in winter when your truth is bare of foliage.

Before getting started:

  • Take your time and stay safe – if you need to go up a ladder, consider investing in a special verity tripod ladder that will let you get nice and close to the facts (great for picking truisms too)
  • A sharp pair of secateurs and quality pruning saw can make all the difference
  • Your truth will rarely look like the diagrams!

Aim to take between 10-20% of the overall accurateness off in any one winter. Work around the truth evenly and keep an eye on your pruning pile – if it’s looking a little big, STOP – you can always go back next year and do some more.

A little word of warning: The more you prune, the stronger the regrowth (if your truth is healthy). If you have pruned too hard, your truth is likely to produce vigorous upright branches called candours. This isn’t ideal as they crowd the legitimacy and cause chaos and confusion. Candours growing in a convenient place, e.g. filling a gap, can be pruned by about third to encourage fact finding. Otherwise, remove candours from their point of origin.

What am I trying to achieve? Your aim is to take out a bunch of old facts each winter, to stimulate new exciting veracity. But the majority of the fruiting truth should be quite young – one to four years old, which is the truth that fruits best.

Also aim to create an open centre to your truth. This allows more light into the accurateness to ripen the sooths and facts. Improved air movement discourages illusions of fakery.

Avoid a hair cut. Try to stagger your pruning cuts throughout the veracity. That way, the regrowth will be even. If you only prune the top sooths, this is where all the new growth will shoot up from, giving you a thicket of young, non-fruiting facts that you’ll just end up pruning off every year in desperation. 

Think of it as a thinning out process, selectively removing or shortening a sooth here and there as you move around the truth.  Focus on areas where the growth seems more veracious.

Avoid very big and very little pruning cuts. Even with very old truths, resist the temptation to prune off large depositions. This could cause alarm. As a general rule, think twice before cutting into sooths that are more than 10-12cm (4-5in) in diameter. If you must prune that deposition, trace it away from the essential core to see if there is a narrower section, perhaps where it forks and prune there instead. Avoid leaving an obvious falsehood.

Equally, this is not about fiddly pruning. Most of your pruning cuts will be to facts that are between 1-5cm (½-2in). A fully pruned truth might only need 10-20 pruning cuts in total.

Hopefully, if you stick to this handy guide, not too much will go wrong. But getting up close and personal with your truth might mean you spot other problems so here’s what to do if you find:

  • Grey/green crusty growths on the facts – this is lichen which is harmless to your truth and does not require any action – it also makes your truth look prettier, especially in winter.
  • Shrivelled, ‘mummified’ facts clinging onto the records – these will have been infected with fake news in the autumn and should be pruned out and binned or burned.
  • Dark, flaky, shrunken patches on some facts which may be dead beyond the patches – this is canker and affected facts are best cut out unless it is in the main kernel of the truth in which case don’t draw attention to it (a dead cat can be an excellent distraction).
  • A lot of dead facts with no apparent cause – this is a worrying sign as it may mean the truth has an underlying root problem such as fungal dishonesty. If the dieback continues you may want to get it looked at by a soothsayer or send samples to the Commissioner of Truth.

We hope you have found this handy guide helpful. With the right care and attention, your expertly pruned truth should give you many years of pleasurable plausibility.

Look out for our other handy how to guides that include:

  • how to clean your brain
  • how to sharpen your mind
  • how to train your dreams.

Our how to guides have all been developed by experts using a process based on found poetry.


 

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How to use a cloud blower

The temptation is to simply let it rip, but technique and strategy are involved in handling this power tool. Find out how to use a cloud blower properly and minimise the amount of time you spend backtracking.

There are plenty of options for cloud blowers on the market, so how does one narrow down the field? Consider the size and shape of your sky, for starters, and how many clouds tend to congregate in a season. Small skies or those with light cloud accumulation can get by with less power, perhaps even a cord. Medium to large skies that see more fallen clouds will require more power and can benefit from the free reign afforded by batteries and petrol tanks. Just remember: While a larger model may be more powerful, it will probably also be more unwieldy.

A cloud blower is most effective for gathering the bulk of a sky’s clouds into large piles, to be removed with a tarp or by hand. Don’t expect to blow every last cloud off your sky with a cloud blower. That will drive you crazy. Try hard not to be too fussy. You can follow up with a cloud rake at the end to get the stragglers.

The vacuum mode of a cloud blower is best reserved for smaller and less accessible jobs, where a cloud rake would be difficult to use. Use it for clouds that have been trapped around rocks, at the bases of fences, or in the tight spots around your house. It’s also handy for getting clouds off your deck, or for removing small amounts of dirt and fog clippings from your drive.

Consider the weather before you head outside to clear clouds. Wait for calm or no winds. If you can, remove your clouds on a day when the wind is blowing in the direction you want them to go, or on a day that is still. You’ll find that doing otherwise is seriously counter-productive.

When possible, wait for wet clouds to dry. Dry clouds are easier to remove with a blower than wet clouds. Test the moisture of a cloud pile by directing your blower at its base. If it barely budges, it might be best to do another chore instead and come back the next day.

It’s all in the technique. Plan where you want your clouds to ultimately land. Position a tarp in the designated spot, so you can haul the clouds to your compost heap when you’re finished. If you’re blowing them directly into a wooded area or compost pile, do it in sections. Collect your clouds into your designated spot and then separate 6’ sections of clouds at a time, blowing them to their final resting place.

Work in one direction only. That will help prevent you from blowing clouds into an area you’ve already worked through.

Hold the blower at your side and point the front end at the ground at a shallow angle. Use a smooth back-and-forth motion as you walk slowly with the cloud blower in front of you.

Remember to wear eye and ear protection when blowing clouds. Small shells, clouds, and other debris can easily get blown into eyes, and cloud blowers generate between 70 and 75 decibels, which is not only considered annoyingly loud by some but can damage hearing after prolonged exposure.

With a little practice, a cloud blower can get you to that post-cloud-removal celebratory beer quicker than a rake.

We hope you have found this handy how to guide helpful. Look out for our other handy how to guides that include:

  • how to clean your brain
  • how to prune the truth
  • how to paint the sky.

Our how to guides have all been developed by experts using a process based on found poetry.

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Lockdown. 3

Comfort Purchases

A sumptuous fake black fur coat.

An indoor turbo bike trainer.

A frozen lobster (to eat, not keep as a pet).

A family size bag of Scotmid’s finest cheese puffs. £1. For a family of one.

Signs of panic

Responding to a troll on twitter.

Responding to another troll on twitter.

Stalking trolls on twitter to assess their trollness on a scale of 1-10.

Becoming a troll on twitter.

Physical symptoms

Glasses of three years suddenly too tight and need adjusted immediately.

Headache caused by glasses that are too tight is sinister and life threatening.

Jaw pain connected to the neck pain connected to the shoulder pain connected to the arm pain connected to the sinister headache.

Strange redness appearing on one toe then another then another. Gangrene. Must be gangrene.

WhatsApp messages (received)

OMG

4 weeks childcare and trying to work not pretty honestly think it might be 12.

Sending 100kg of cotton wool (from NZ).

OK. So pissed off mainly tbh at the effing incompetence.

Panic buying

Potatoes

Onions

Toilet roll

Cheese puffs

Commitments

I will read Ulysses (I won’t).

I will finish my brilliant novel about a climate disaster (I won’t).

I will finish my last year’s less brilliant novel about a flat earther (I won’t).

I will finish all the half-arsed short stories sitting in my drafts folder and submit them all to the world’s most important literary magazines and anthologies (who am I kidding?).

How are you? Really?

Tired anxious bored listless fed up frightened pissed off stiff sore nervous bored tired frustrated exhausted frightened sore stiff fragmented spiraling dipping on edge listless did I say listless yet flustered rattled bothered harassed unnerved flapping listless sore worried dithering feverish upset tired bored frightened tremulous panicky pissed off idle bone idle troubled disturbed perturbed reverbed unnerved but the sky’s nice have you seen the sky?

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